Behind the Happy Face

I don't have any pretty pictures today or anything like that.  Instead, I feel the need to share something that's been on my heart a lot lately.  

Late one night a few weeks ago, I was talking with a friend on the phone.  In the midst of the conversation we were talking through different trials we were both facing and I began to tell her about one of mine.  I don't recall her exact words but it was something to the effect of, "Wow!  I never would have known anything were ever wrong...from reading your blog it always sounds like everything was going perfectly."

Her statement really made me do some thinking.  While I always try to have a positive attitude despite the circumstances, I know there is a fine line to walk in being "real" and "just putting on a happy face." (I hope I'm making sense!)  But in reflecting on what she said and reviewing a lot of what I write here, I've come to the conclusion that perhaps I'm not letting you know the real "me."  Looking through a long list of over 500 posts, it's obvious I like writing about happy things, and steer away from what makes me uncomfortable.  

Why?  I'll just say it...I'm afraid of what you'll think of me.  Do we not ALL struggle with this?  And is this not the #1 we don't let people see who we really are?   

Well, here we go, I'm going to share something that is very personal to me...it's a condition that seems so "abnormal" to me, like I'm such a different person now. 

You see, I used to be a super athletic gal that played every sport I could, and I LOVED it.  Volleyball, basketball, softball, cheerleading...those were all things I enjoyed for years.  After I got married and my husband was a youth pastor, I didn't shy away from all the crazy games and sports with  the teenagers. In fact, they all wanted me on their team because I could run faster than most of the guys! =P

Then three years ago, after Levi was born, I began to have severe pain in my hip.  I would have good days and then bad days...then it became mostly bad.  Sometimes I would bend over to do something and would get stuck in the position.  Other times lowering or lifting Levi into the crib was excruciating.  If I would weed in the garden, the next day I could barely walk.  It was horrible. 

But one day, it began to get better and I had so many more good days than bad.  I could do normal things again like mopping, scrubbing the bath tub without fearing my mobility the next day.  All through my pregnancy with Lucy I felt great and even though it hurt at times, it was mostly okay.  

Well, after she was born in November, really within days after her birth, the symptoms all reappeared. As the weeks went on, the pain got worse and my ability to function began to decrease.  Even when Lucy was a mere 7lb., bending to put her the bassinet would be so painful that I wanted to scream.  Even loading or unloading the dishwasher were things I was no longer able to do. 

In February we went to a doctor and finally had some answers.  Here's what the x-rays show:

1. The base of my spine never fused and instead of sitting in my hips bones nice and straight and firm, it slides off to the side and causes my whole body to be unstable. 
2.  My hips are waaay out of level
3.  One of the discs in my lower back is deteriorating.
4.  I have multiple bone spurs up and down my spine (little pieces of bone poking me like a splinter)
5.  My sacroiliac joint has zero cartilage left and the bones are rubbing together causing a large bone spur
6.  Last, but not least, I have arthritis in my hip.

I honestly couldn't believe it...I felt like, "What?!  Arthritis?? I'm only 28 years old?!  But I love to play sports! And I have four kids to chase!?"   

I will be honest and tell you that this has been a really difficult thing for me to accept.  From day to day I never know how I will feel.  Some days I get up and feel like I could run a marathon (okay, maybe not that good, lol!), and then other days I wake up and just getting out of bed about moves me to tears. 

None of these problems will ever go away, although with proper care hopefully we can prevent them from getting worse. 

I have battled discouragement big time because of this.  And this may sound shallow, but I hate it that I haven't been able to shed the pregnancy pounds yet.  While I only have about 5 more to go, it's taken me 9 months to make it this far!  When I exercise, I never know what the repercussions will be.  I could run on the elliptical and be okay the next day, or I could have trouble walking and taking care of my children.  I just never know. {sigh}

Several times while writing this post I have wanted to just delete it all.  But I know I shouldn't.  We all struggle with things, whether it's physical, emotional, or even spiritual that we just don't want anybody to know about.  It's just seems too personal, yet there's such a relief when we let it out and realize, "Hey, she deals with problems everyday, just like me!"  If we never tell others, we can never "bear one another's burdens" and pray for each other.  In a way it is selfish because often I don't allow others to obey that Bible command. 

So now you know my secret.  I have arthritis and live in chronic pain.

What's "behind your happy face?" What challenges do you face physically? Or even emotionally? How can I pray for you, friends?